A Host of Semi Random Ramblings

No Rewind

2009-12-16T19:54:00.000-08:00

Today I learned, tonight I burn
Lies untied fuel the hate inside
A door is open with the lock still broken
This dark lit place I have no faith

Burn, the the soul you showed to me
Crush, the few fond memories
Hate, the things You you hold so dear

In your mind, it's me you'll find, no hugs, no looks, there's no rewind!

There's no...

Rewind

One day lived and one day gone,
Another little lie can't be so wrong
Bloodshot eyes that still don't see
You lost yourself when you blamed me

Burn, the the soul you showed to me
Crush, the few fond memories
Hate, the things You you hold so dear

You'll look behind, it will be unkind, no smile, no tears, there's no rewind!

No!

Rewind!

Stay away and don't call back
All there was left on goodbye tracks

There's no...

Rewind.

Just Words

2009-12-14T14:41:00.000-08:00

In the moment before a fall,
My eyes are dark and I can't see.
As the injured begins to crawl
I feel the words crash over me.

Just words

You said I love you

Just Words

You said I want you

Another lie, just one more line
You're so sincere with what you say
Just some fun, to pass your time
You took your words and ran away

Just words

That didn't mean a fucking thing

Just words

No conscience for the pain they bring

Just words

If only I could hate enough

Destroy the memory of those words and let them go

You're just words.

Wicked

2009-12-12T18:33:00.000-08:00

Your smile
Was like a fingerprint on my soul
The day you left
It left a pain you'll one day know

Only now
I see the depths you run to in your head
I understand
You're broken and you don't want to see

The spell you weave is, wicked
The intent is not your own
You own a soul that has been sickened
You will face it on your own

On that day, you'll see the place you're hiding in
And be the wicked one to have atoned

Be the wicked one to have atoned.

Torture

2009-12-04T17:44:00.000-08:00

Just fooling myself
Wanting to believe it was a real thing.

You're lies that led to lies
Caught me in your spell now it's hurting.

I want to push you out
Shove you to the ground
And hate you.

Push the pain inside
Let it turn to rage
And hurt you.

Was never good enough
Your actions made that certain.

I see you in my eyes
You still seem so damn perfect.

I want to pull you in
Hold you in my arms
And love you.

Wipe the tears away
Look into your face
And feel you.

It's tearing at my soul to have you so close

And I wish that you could see the torture
So you can feel it too, and hate that part of you

Cause it's not something, I've got the strength to do.

I want to push you out

I want to pull you in

And hate you.

Wait To See

2009-07-23T17:15:00.001-07:00

I just wait to see….

I just wait to know…

Who are you staring over me?
With your face shrouded in light
Show yourself….

Restlessly I wander through the night
Dreaming, feeling, eyes have no focus
Are you a reality?

Wash over me…
You’re touch is like a drug to me
Take over me…
Focus my eyes, I cling to you

I just wait to see…

Fantasy and reality here
You pass through me easily
Won’t you stay awhile?

Magnetically I am attracted
Mystical. metaphysical, can’t pull away
Will you materialize?

Wash over me…
You’re touch is like a drug to me
Take over me…
Focus my eyes, I cling to you

I just wait to see…

Wash over me, walk into me

I just wait to see…

Liberation

2009-07-22T19:30:00.001-07:00

Dragged across the floor, it’s the same as what’s been done before
Fistful of hair entwined, reasoning is hard to find
You’re a little whore he says as you go through the door
Your fractured mind is lost and you are going blind.

You want to…
Kill this mother fucker, kill this mother fucker
You want to…
Crush his face and watch him bleed
Kill this mother fucker

The house is clean but he walks in and it’s the same old scene
Your broken jaw makes it hard to talk as you call the law
The hate remains unseen you until you turn sixteen
One fatal flaw brings you facet to face with the final straw

You want to…
Kill this mother fucker, kill this mother fucker
You want to…
Crush his face and watch him bleed
Kill this mother fucker

In the dark of night
Sneaking on the tile
You find him tucked in tight
Sleeping in denial
Cut the cord
Stab again
There’s no lord
You’re your own friend.
Watch him bleed
It’s all you need…

You killed that mother fucker…

Free!

Direct, Infect

2009-07-21T23:34:00.000-07:00

Your toy, your possession, your circus procession
You try to….
Bait me, you hate me the indifference forsakes me
You like to…
Scrutinize, sell packs of lies the truth of me slowly dies

Own me, direct me
Your insecurities infect me

Ties that bind, lock down the mind I am what you thought to be blind
You need to…
Create the vision, the only mission, to create your father through my fission
You see me…
The path to your fantasy, what you want me to be, a vague depiction of reality

Own me, direct me
Your insecurities infect me

What will you be?
What will you see ?

When I leave…

What will you do?
Who will you subdue?

When refuse to receive…

Direct me!
Infect me!

No more…

Break The Mirror

2009-07-21T14:26:00.001-07:00

The reflection you see is the monster in me
It refuses to tear away

Break!

The times you tried, the times you lied, you created the myth inside
Apathetic, pathetic your doctrine is magnetic
The souls you bleed, the heinous deed, you miss the devil you freed
Synthetic, aesthetic, I’m not sympathetic

Fuck you, break the mirror
Fuck you, see yourself clearer

Break!

You still hate, accept your fate, pain you premeditate
Depraved, enslaved, it’s power you craved
Terminal insanity, your life is all vanity, can’t create your fantasy
Engraved, staved, self- respect you waived

Fuck you, break the mirror
Fuck you, see yourself clearer

Break!

Break!

Staring back at the mirror yet cracked
A broken soul you can’t get back
Your cost is high, price you pay
Loathsome soul, sordid ways.

Break, the mirror!

Fuck You!

No Surgery

2009-07-20T17:32:00.001-07:00

The judgment you make is sickening
One word, one look, one perception
Say you know, you’re lost inside
A final thought, you don’t ask a question.

You’re ugly, your perfect face is no absolution,
You’re ugly, your beauty is skin deep,
You’re ugly, there is no surgery,

For you!
Not for you!

Insecurity breeds your need to revile
Your truths are your own contradiction
Hide your self loathing, locked up inside
Flawed existence is your hateful conviction.

You’re ugly, your perfect face is no absolution,
You’re ugly, your beauty is skin deep,
You’re ugly, there is no surgery,

For you!
Not for you!

Hate me now, I see right through
Blame me now your hate debut
See you now for what you are
Feel you now, with all your scars

You’re ugly
For You!
You’re ugly
For you!

The is no surgery

For you!

Heroin

2009-07-17T16:11:00.001-07:00

In dreams, I crave the rush
Somehow can’t get enough
The needle, that pierces in the vein

I see that, it burns so sweet
One taste, is blessed defeat
A hot shot, the dragon takes it’s place

Just inject
A hot stream of blissful
Fall back
And revel in the moment
Feel it
The sting of heroin

I want more, the cloud is calling
Back to, the high that keeps falling
The one stop, fix for a missing piece.

Shoot me, and watch me rise
A new height, my own cloud nine
A feeling, nothing can replace.

Just inject
A hot stream of blissful
Fall back
And revel in the moment
Feel it
The sting of heroin

Stinging and flowing
The bliss is now showing
I see that you don’t understand.
Flying and trying
To break through the chains that
Leave me alone in my head.

Just inject….

Fall back…

Feel it

Vindictive

2009-06-24T17:03:00.000-07:00

When you look inside and watch your soul
It's discerning, the look as you see the hole
In your mind you harbor the hate
Recognition of your disease will come too late.

Better off now, with you a distant memory
Something less than a footnote of what you were to me
You lost your hold and pulled on all the strings
NO regard for the carnage that brings.

You're vindictive
You're rules so restrictive
You hate you and it's sickening
Hateful eyes with a heart that's thickening
You're....
Vindictive.

Drowning, smothered by the bubble wrap you so despise
I wonder if you will ever find your way free of your own lies?
It's not enough to have it be over, no not for you
You have malicious intent behind all that you do.

I said to you once I would be right here
Those words were said before your soulless truth was clear
I pity you now, your emptiness is a brutal shame
I shiver now beneath the evil that exudes when someone speaks your name.

You're vindictive
You're rules so restrictive
You hate you and it's sickening
Hateful eyes with a heart that's thickening
You're....
Vindictive.

One day soon, you'll meet evil intent
Sinister motives that will be hell bent
To crush you forever and steal your life
A beautiful thought of your impending strife
I hope to watch as your soul bleeds out
You've marked yourself have no doubt.

You're vindictive
You're rules so restrictive
You hate you and it's sickening
Hateful eyes with a heart that's thickening
You're....
Vindictive...

Vindictive bitch...

Vindictive...

Pieces of you

2009-06-19T12:43:00.000-07:00

And I, can't see why you were so cruel
And I, don't understand how I was so fooled
And you, played the position just right
And you, created a moment for that night

I look around and all I can see
Are the pieces of you, surrounding me
Close my eyes and I hope to leave
To another place where I can believe

Without you, I walk in place to find my way
Dried up eyes, a voice with nothing to say
Words that cut like knives, I can't feel
The harsh goodbye, for now I kneel.

I look around and all I can see
Are the pieces of you, surrounding me
Close my eyes and I hope to leave
To another place where I can believe

Someday you will see that everything inside of me
Cared for you, hoped for you, to just be free
From your chains, those ties that bind
You left me cold and it blew my mind!

I look around and all I can see
Are the pieces of you, surrounding me
Close my eyes and I hope to leave
To another place where I can believe

See through...

2009-06-18T19:20:00.000-07:00

You're right.

The evidence is so clear, all of your life you have collected it. It's too bad that until this day, this time you didn't see it. So many signs, so much foreshadowing, you are so blind. It's not enough to see the damage or feel the pain. It's not enough to relive the horror each night, each moment of closed eye dementia.

You are a self fulfilling prophecy, a predictable cycle of self loathing and internal hatred. You are your enemy, you are your demise. Only too late you see now!

Past broken promises, all those dreams shattered for you, the time spent in violence; all the nights of blame, self doubt, rising up today, to punch you in the face as if Mike Tyson himself were in your presence. He beat you, he ridiculed you, he scarred you deeply. She manipulated you, made you feel inferior, as if you are not good enough.

Today is a day, not a good one, not a bad one.

Today is a day I finally looked in the mirror and saw what the rest of you see...

Cut Me

2009-06-17T10:26:00.000-07:00

Love me, and just walk away?
Can't see me, lost in your fray.
Something,I just can't define.
Connection, was real enough,
To act on, it's all been shunned.
Wonder, did the stars just realign?

Control me, with this charade,
See my, faith just fade
Feels like, heart's in an acid bath.
Believed you, when you said it's true
And I wanted, to grow with you,
Looks like, you chose a hurtful path.

So you cut me
Out of your life
Scraped me, off your mind
Left me, to blame it all on me.

Now you run from the one that will hold you
And bend reality.
You have pushed out the one that would love you,
And accept your duality.

Wait here, denied by this
Darkness, a love abyss
See that, you may never change
You see me, eyes so cold,
And beat me, with memories old
Know that, I am not so strange.

See you, when my eyes are closed,
Remember, that it's love you posed
Knowledge, that just won't set me free.
Accept you, for what you are,
Torn up, beat and scarred,
Once said, your future lied with me.

So you cut me
Out of your life
Scraped me, off your mind
Left me, to blame it all on me.

Now you run from the one that will hold you
And bend reality.
You have pushed out the one that would love you,
And accept your duality.

So you cut me...
Scrape me...

Blame it all on me.

A Simple Truth

2009-05-21T22:12:00.000-07:00

After many, many years of torturing myself based on fabricated evidence presented to me by people in my life, I have finally found a place of peace within. For many years, more than half of my life, I have questioned my worth as a person. I believed it when the drunk told me I would never amount to anything. I believed it when the evil one told me I had few redeeming qualities. I collected the evidence of spending years being emotionally and intimately neglected by someone whom I cared for a great deal.

For so long I took all of these events, each comment, each roll over, every self worth destroying comment to be the absolute truth about me and who I am. I allowed for other people to define my own self worth and in that I lost who I was and who I am supposed to be. Having realized all of this, I became very conflicted.

The conflict within me came from my own tendency to self loathe. I thought, "How weak must I be to allow other people to control how I feel about me?". I hit myself at that point with a proverbial punch to the face. How silly is it that when I finally came to a place of understanding, I tried to drag myself right back there.

It does say something about the power that people can hold over you, if you let them. I write this passage not so much to lament my past, but to celebrate what is to come. I am liberated by the knowledge that all this time I had the choice to be me, that all I had to do was realize that the only opinion of me that matters, is mine.

I know there are very few who read what I write, for once, I do hope that one of you takes something from this and can find a greater feeling of comfort within who you are. I can tell you first hand, it is an amazing feeling.

Waiting Through

2009-05-21T14:51:00.000-07:00

Comfortable space yet to be found
This time
This place
Searching for what truly is
What is not
What can be
Sublime connection so real
It's scary
It's too much?
Find a quiet solace
In a dream
In a word
Contemplate the new beginnings
With old wounds
With old scars
Search out the new center
From fractured realities
From elated moments
Wait through this demon battle
Of past torture
Of future possibility.

Put to Rest

2009-05-21T00:39:00.000-07:00

Tonight I faced a demon. A demon that has until tonight had a strangle hold on me. I faced this demon not because I set out to slay the horrible evil thing, but because I had no choice. I found something that I want more than the comforting cold that the demon brought. It's interesting to think back on my two hour fight with the wretched thing, all this time it was just so simple. All I had to do was realize that hiding in the shadow of past failings and believing the evidence left behind by others was not comforting, it was self defeating.

Sometimes the biggest problems have the simplest solutions, so long as you are willing to open your fucking eyes.

If You Could See

2009-05-19T00:20:00.000-07:00

Ripping and tearing the mask I've been wearing
Is starting to fall away...

Something locked, a thing so black,
Released as rage, agony and pain,
Please remove this thing, just take it back,
My skin is burning, in acid rain.

Black and cold, I run to hide
Alone in chains, paralyzed by thought
Please walk this way, I am dying inside
My eyes are scalded, soul is caught.

If you could see what I see on the inside of me
You'd run away and lose yourself, away from me.

Confusion control, you see me still
Shadows are light, gives away my disguise
Psyche is locked, I have so many pills
Drink them down, I only visualize.

Courage lost, to fight this thirst
I need this crutch, to help me stand
The swelling depravity, begins to burst
Lock it away, for the good of all man.

If you could see what I see on the inside of me
You'd run away and lose yourself, away from me.

Ripped down and torn off, you see what I am meant to be
It's all fallen off now, I'm ugly now you see
Disguises my soul despises, the essence of what is in me
Bared and wide open, the reality of me.

If you could see what I see on the inside of me
You'd run away and lose yourself, away from me.

Untitled

2009-05-15T11:31:00.000-07:00

You rape me
And wear on my dignity.
You hate me
Ans tear out my sanity.
You break me
And feed your own vanity.

So many years I spent alone
As you sat only inches away
Many miles were in between us
I still can't figure why I stayed.

Hindsight is truly 20/20
As i see the evil that is you
You have stolen so much lifeblood
I can barely see the things that are true.

You rape me
And wear on my dignity.
You hate me
Ans tear out my sanity.
You break me
And feed your own vanity.

I wonder, do you feel good
About the schemes you've put into play?
Do you even have a conscience?
Behind the malicious games of today.

I hope one day you feel the same things
And you lose yourself in all of your hate
Someday you will feel that Karma
Is a wicked revenge and it is just your fate.

You rape me
And you do it ever consciously
You hate me
And it's only vengeance that you see.
You break me
Now you've died inside your own vanity.

Hypocrite

2009-05-11T16:00:00.000-07:00

Something for nothing, this silence is crushing
Can't I get out of my head?
It's broken and jaded, with demons related
Somehow this soul is not dead.
I know you want to see, what you do demean me
The evil from you is intense.
Beat me and bruise me, you just want to use me
Burn me in your own defense.

You want to rename me.
You want to reclaim me.
Your self serving vision,
You made the decision,
Just sleep in the bed you have made.

Scene 2 and take 3, this bullshit forsakes me
Crush me with guilt you possess.
Veins that you infect, my soul has a defect
Malice from feelings repressed.
Drain me and maim me, you still want to shame me
Cut me with each word you say.
I don't hate I see fate, my life you can't dictate
For once it's time that you pay.

You want to rename me
You want to reclaim me
Your self serving vision
You made the decision
Just live in the bed you have made.

Dead to Me

2009-05-09T19:14:00.000-07:00

You're demon's feeding on
Wounds wide open
Relentless reading of
Thoughts now broken
Depraved indifference to
The soul that's stolen.

Won't you stop to see
All that is broken now
Can't you let me be
You're just vindictive now.

Though you are dead to me,
You bring such misery.

You set your monster free
With no sane thought
It's run rampantly
You lost control
You'll be a casualty
Of your dark toll.

Won't you stop to see
All that is broken now
Can't you let me be
You're just vindictive now.

Though you are dead to me,
You bring such misery.

You are everything that is depraved
You are everything that is concealed
You are everything I can't consume

Though you are dead to me,
You bring such misery.

Desire

2009-05-05T23:09:00.000-07:00

This is me
Seeing you
Soft green eyes
Longing
For the touch
The kiss
Another few moments.
This is me
Wanting you
Hard, pounding heart
Begging
For one more night
For the spark
The sigh
Another tender embrace.
This is me
Craving you
Gentle, Light hands
Reaching
For one more touch
For the caress
The chill
Another foot deeper.

This is me.

Fingerprints

2009-05-05T16:11:00.000-07:00

Latent ridges
Leave their mark
On pulsing flesh
Lingers the carbon arc

Total immersion
The lasting moment of time
Wholly re-calculated
Electricity sublime

Attempt to refrain
Run away and resist
Swirled, arced fingerprints
Burn and persist.

In A Dream

2009-05-05T11:58:00.000-07:00

Soft and electric
Stings the skin,seeping in
Poison or antidote?
Warm and inviting
Like Heroin
Chasing the dragon
Of fingertip needles
Pounding heart
Shortened breath
Chemical shock treatment
Don't wake.

Duplicity

2009-05-04T12:30:00.000-07:00

Illogical coherence
Apathetic perseverance
Conspicuously hard to find
Duplicity of the divided mind.

Obscure clarity
Selfish generosity
Scientific divination
Duplicity of insane imagination.

Virtuous depravity
Unfeasible possibility
Powerless control
Duplicity of a tortured soul.

Abhorrent adulation
Stagnant maturation
Agitated serenity
Duplicity of false identity.

Spiral

2009-05-04T11:24:00.000-07:00

Dark days contrive
Systematic deconstruction
Life support animus hardly alive
Diabolic soul instruction.

Mind's mirror reflects
Lies believed
Enmity for the other self
Ambiguity now received.

Shadows fall down
Upon the intrepid man
Once full of renown
The modified American plan.

Lost purpose, diminished respect
Convoluted routes
Twist and intersect
Addled mind casts new doubts.

It grows ever black
The light burns out
Shallow breaths, an Asthma attack
Brings blind solace, the dark redoubt.

Silent Seduction

2009-05-03T22:23:00.001-07:00

You haunt me tonight,
In dreams I see your face,
Psychic screams deafen,
I lose my insight,
And walk to that place,
Where heartstrings stiffen,
Here they bend,
Elastic now, relaxed,
This quiet production,
Take from me, I lend
My psyche less taxed
I succumb to your silent seduction.

I Am

2009-04-19T10:55:00.000-07:00

I am conflicted
Too many emotions running rampant
I am conflicted
So many questions, too few answers
Nine thousand thoughts tear at my core
Lost in cloudy visage
I am conflicted
Desperate want for clarity of soul
I am conflicted.

I am frantic
Anxiety for future resolution
I am frantic
Episodic, manic confusion rules
Semblance of order vacated for chaos
I am frantic
Past reality, only illusion
I am frantic.

I am crushed
Trusting soul, trusts no more
I am crushed
Space and time move so slow
Shadowed past delays a dimming future
I am crushed
Wake me in the future life
I am crushed.

I am conflicted.
I am frantic.

I am.

Indifference

2009-03-29T19:23:00.000-07:00

Indifference is welcomed,
A place of uncaring thought desired,
So many imperfections, oh to just be blind,
Reflection sickens, turns light to dark,
Trappings of life cave in on the soul.

Indifference is needed to sift through the mire,
Aloof self loathing seems almost required,
Forgiveness is far from the sight of the mind,
Relentless deprecation, guilt with no spark,
A mind's eye war where head's in a hole.

Indifference is protection from confusion's bright fire,
Internal combustion of emotions rewired,
Solace from hate, a life without rewind,
Feeling feeding frenzy like the great white shark,
To hear an inside voice and somehow become whole.

Bleed

2009-03-18T13:42:00.001-07:00

10 years old takin’ shots on the chin, big bad mother fucker with a fist and a grin
Never had the chance to just be a kid, I had to protect from all the violence you hid
Home from school in the afternoon, go sweep the pool, make it good, you know he’ll be home real soon
Got it done it was clean as fuck, through the door swingin’ and I had to duck
Ran out the back and hit the gate, this mother fucker full of booze and hate,
Made it to the street and got knocked down, he even made it look like I was the damn clown,
Back to the house with his hand on my neck, everybody knows he gonna teach me respect.

Bleed…
All you ever did was bleed me
Bleed…
My spirit broke and still you didn’t see
Bleed…
Crimson rivers that never cease to be
Bleed…
I am strong now because I made me

20 years later I look back on this, the anger and the hours, the fun I missed
All the scars that bind, that confine the mind I wonder, how do I leave it all behind?
I have wanted to kill you, to see you bleed the way I do, all your punishment is overdue,
Broken dreams and tears of pain, dimmed the light, a kid lost in the rain,
It’s your fault you held those cards, beaten down in the front yard, to hold your anger couldn’t be so hard.
I see you know a broken old drunk, I’d still like to see you tied and bleeding in the trunk
I’m better than you, you lying freak, see me now punk I am not so weak, only one dare fucker, open up and speak.

Bleed…
All you ever did was bleed me
Bleed…
My spirit broke and still you didn’t see
Bleed…
Crimson rivers that never cease to be
Bleed…
I am strong now because I made me

Not your blood, not your time
All these years I turned out fine
Made my way through all your shit
I know one day you’ll be judged and have to sit
Look at all the shit you caused
Maybe that day you’ll take pause.
Hear me now you chicken shit fuck
Karma’s a bitch, good fucking luck

Bleed…
All you ever did was bleed me
Bleed…
My spirit healed and you can’t see
Bleed…
Crimson river dried and will never be
Bleed…
I am strong now because I made me

Unexpected

2009-03-11T19:39:00.000-07:00

I try but, your eyes you wear no disguise,
It’s nothing it’s something the magnet it’s crushing
The fears, the sneers I’ve waited for years
To act free, just me you let me be
From beaten and broken to more than just token
Soul attraction, reaction provides satisfaction
A heart that did bleed you held and you freed
A shove from above it’s more than just love.

Arrogance

2009-03-10T22:22:00.000-07:00

Dark
Evil sensations in his mind
Blood
A wound so small it’s hard to find
Hate
Black soul that feels so weak
Destroy
Right mind at hatred’s peak
Pull
Cold hammer back to there
Blast
Spattered brain is everywhere.

Cry
Silent I have no voice
Beat
Lifeless body, you had a choice
Look
Red hands you have really died
Crushed
One lone soul is left behind
Hate
Cruel world for circumstance
Drown
Dark sorrow of arrogance

Heartbreak

2009-03-10T20:25:00.001-07:00

Almost 16 years have come and gone
Memories fade it’s been too long
See your face, so soft, so pure
Bright blue eyes, so demure

At first sight I fell in love
Heaven sent, what we dream of
Touched your face and held your hand
Then and there a line in sand

Protect your heart and love your soul
From now til death should be my role
I smiled and cried, kissed your cheek
I knew deep down I was weak

That cold day we made a choice
Listened to another voice
Away you went with a family
16 years I have never seen

Know this now, I did for you
My love is real, yes that’s true
I’d give all to see your world
I miss you now my baby girl.

Feel

2009-03-09T23:37:00.001-07:00

Unfathomable,
Light shone upon her hair
Distant memories of the one before
Now gone.

Amazing,
Her eyes twinkle like starlight,
The past put to rest
Locked Door.

Mesmerizing
The soft sensuality of her lips
Visions dance like fairies
Love reigns

Perfection
Soul to soul connection,
Lost kindred found
She’s me.

Realization

2009-03-09T23:28:00.001-07:00

The day you laughed, the day you cried
A night you grinned, a night you lied
Solace gone, hope is too
Crushed the soul I gave to you

Sent away into a cage
Consumed by sickly rage
The day you called to apologize
You only looked to claim you prize

Searching deep within the soul
For a mended heart with a sewn up hole
Darkness lights a dreary trail
You knew damn well that heart was frail

Evil siren, this time is lost
A worn out soul would be your cost,
I choose now another scene
You’re no longer my reality.

Battle

2009-03-09T23:27:00.000-07:00

The battle rages in the mind’s eye,
Destructive forces twist truth to lie.
A mind fuck cocktail drives insanity,
As the one sane voice cops a plea.
A natural shift to the demon’s plan,
Preying once again on the soul of man.
Darkness falls, inner light burns out,
Forever more there will be no doubt.
Mind’s eye battle wages still,
Her God damn demon has not yet filled,
Find the light, have peace again,
Nice to see you, my one sane friend

Speak

2009-03-09T20:25:00.000-07:00

You say my name and I get weak,
I get so lost in the words you say to me.
It’s a whole new reality,
Al I want right now,

Is just to speak.

I close my eyes and try not to peek,
At your face so far away.
I find myself trapped in your fray,
All I want right now,

Is just to speak.

You wrap me up in your mystique,
So comfortable it invites me in.
And I am awed by the light within,
All I want right now,

Is just to speak.

We have never played hide and seek,
Open hearts now for each to see.
Paint this love on a grand marquis,
But, all I want right now,

Is just to speak.

Mended Wing

2009-03-09T13:48:00.000-07:00

A whisper in silence so hateful and violent
Gave up my soul, my voice has been silent
Your rules, your demands left a shell of a man
Broken and beaten by your unloving hand.

Days I would wonder if you’d touch me
Longing so much you just wouldn’t see
Drifting and dying I followed your lead
Allowing your indifference to make my heart bleed.

Crying and dying, with a spirit quite shattered
Only to learn that none of it mattered
You drilled me, you killed me I almost was dead
Believing the pictures you’d burned in my head.

The hell you created for me to believe
Led me to now where I see the lies you conceived
Take my soul back you wretched, dark thing
And, carry myself on my own mended wing.

Illusion

2009-01-08T21:40:00.000-08:00

You hide your real self behind smoke and mirrors
What do you gain from your damned deception?
Your motivations could not be much clearer
Do you think you can mask all your intention?

One word, one action amidst your distraction
Gives you away while you force a reaction
I see you clearly when you're not near me
Fade into nothing, can you still hear me?

Fake Bitch!
Fake Bitch!
Fake Bitch!

A thousand lies in your eyes behind that stupid disguise
You think you're sly but that devil's inside
Truth doesn't find you in your own devices
Walk from this place now, no more surprises

Behind your mirror you'll see yourself clearer
Will you still love the bitch you've become?
You've become ugly as you walk nearer
Can you live with your lies all undone?

Fake Bitch!
Fake Bitch!
Fake Bitch!

Happy...New...Think.

2009-01-01T21:11:00.001-08:00

A new year, a time for resolutions and new beginnings, at least, that's what they tell me. Other than the number at the end of the year, what really changed at 12:00 this morning? The economy we work through still sucks, we still have sub-standard education, huge corporations asking to be bailed out, and federal economists blaming consumers for buying houses that were unaffordable.

Now, I would love to sit here typing and be a merry little human full of optimism, but I can't do that in good conscience. Our world is fucked up and we are fucking it up more for our next generation because......

We are too fucking stupid to stand up and ask for what is right. We are too scared to tell our officials that the constitution is NOT a fucking guideline, it is the basis for what we are. We refuse to elevate common heroes to the status they deserve, instead we fill those places with self serving actors, drug dealing, dog fighting athletes and hotel heiresses who have no redeeming sociological value. In fact we in society very rarely give our everyday heroes, teachers, police, fireman and soldiers the respect and credit they deserve. These are the people we should celebrate, the ones we should have nationally televised awards shows for, these are our heroes who should be millionaires. If not for these everyday heroes, do you really think there would be an arena for your precious sports, a set to film your beloved movies or 5 star hotels to choose from?

I suggest for this New Year, each of us look inside ourselves and ask this:

What do I want this world to be for our next generation?

We are their only salvation.

With the Big Kids

2008-12-21T20:34:00.000-08:00

The deep end of the pool seems like such a good time. There you see the bottom of the pool so far away, still clear though and it's so very exciting. Just off to the side is the high dive where all the seemingly fearless older kids jump, flip, flop and splash into the water from. All the big kids laugh, yell and scream to each other, it seems like such fun. So you get off of the steps in the little kids part of the pool and wander over to the high dive, climb the ladder all the way to the top, tip toe out to the end of the diving board and just jump. The funny thing is, you never learned to swim, that's why you were on the steps in the first place.

It's okay though, you invited your friend who does know how to swim. He grasps for you to help hold your head above water and teach you to kick your feet to stay up, and you kick. For a few minutes you were swimming in the deep water that looked so fun, but you were always afraid to swim in. Then all those fears from before entered and you panicked, flailing and kicking your way out of the pool, all the while pushing your friend farther under the water in the deep end. As you dried yourself and calmed your fear, he reached for a hand.

Always wanting to play with the big kids proves to be not nearly as glamorous as one would think. Some friendly advice to all of us, before you jump in the water learn to swim and before you try to teach someone to swim, make sure they want to learn.

Voice

2008-12-11T19:00:00.000-08:00

The voice is loud, so intense and powerful it brings ringing to the ears. Creative moments from the voice spur ideas, thoughs and reflections that otherwise may not have been found. Booming, like thunder on the darkest, rainiest days, the voice commands attention. Such that, all activity, no matter how important must cease.

Sometimes the voice is quieter, as if relenting to being ignored. I can but faintly hear it's whispering in these moments. I listen so hard, with such intent, but the whisper does not grow loud. What happened to this great and powerful voice, this magnificent force that could take hold at any moment?

The voice is quiet, not even the whisper anymore. It's deafening this silence, I feel alone, naked. I derived such joy from the voice, such inspiration, where did it go? Come back!

In a quick moment, a sonic boom blasts through the dark, silent reaches of my psyche. Such a powerful noise that it can not be ignored. I was stunned, this familiar thing, this ringing in my head, it....it is...it is the voice, returning and will not be ignored.

For so long the tortured silence of lost creativity has reigned over this space. So many moments untapped, such inspirations passed. Not this time, this time I embrace the voice, this time I hold it dear. This time I write and rhyme, sing and play. This time I can hear.

Doors Unlocked?

2008-12-08T21:51:00.000-08:00

Doors open and doors close, all the while life happens around us. While we spend countless hours wondering how to open this door or close that door, so many other things walk in and out of those same doors. The doors themselves are not the puzzle, the locks are. How would you define an open door? Is it simply one that is not locked? Or, maybe the door needs to at least be cracked already?

We place doors all around us, doors to the heart, doors to the mind, when I look inside me, doors. Locked, cracked, unlocked and wide open, these doors litter the inside of my psyche. We think in terms of, who has the key to my heart? That's a door. Who can unlock my thoughts? That's a door. The answer to both of these questions, he or she who owns the door.

My friends, we would all do well to manage our own doors and be content with what sleeps behind them. In truth, these are the only doors that we can lock or unlock without permission.

Rearview

2008-12-01T18:37:00.000-08:00

As you wander down your darkened road, remember to look at the road ahead. For the review mirror, has objects that are closer than they appear. What comes from behind only has value if it also lies ahead. This I write not to instruct your path, but rather to offer an insight that may otherwise have been overlooked. All too often, the mirror takes over. Every car behind begins to look like the highway patrol, and yes, tonight you are drunk.

I know for sure that I cannot drive you on this road, this path must be tread alone. As you do think of what lies in front of you, and take care not to get lost. Driving from the view of the rearview mirror, usually only gets you out of the garage.

....

2008-12-01T13:44:00.000-08:00

One day Disney will be open, one day. Closed, conflicted and confused, there are times for these and I wish this were not it. Call it fate, karma or the universe taking shape, whatever you want to call it, it happens without prejudice. A little bird once told me that the universe will bring to you what you put out in it, so be careful. It's interesting now, to reflect on that ideal.

In Universal Theatre I wrote, "The Universe is a rub and three wishes, Only if it's in your script." While I do believe that to be true, I question the logic today, in this place, as I type. I question because, I didn't ask for crazy, frustrating situations to come to me. I did not ask for doors to close, conflict to come or for confusion to take the reins. Yet, here they are in all their glory, driving me batty.

Today I am mad at the universe, I am mad because I asked to find my Disney, whatever that is. I am mad because I did not ask for it to be this crazy, conflicted pilgrimage through all sorts of strange places. I asked for simplicity, and I got the big FUCK YOU so far. I do realize that I am in fact projecting emotively on the subject, and that I will come to another place when this all clears. I realize that eventually, all things will make sense and be right; there will be balance.

Right now however, all I want is to take the Universe by the face and scream, "I hate you for not bringing me what I fucking asked for!"

My Turn

2008-12-01T11:04:00.000-08:00

(Verse)
So far in don't wanna come back, how the hell'd I ever get here
Something's gone, feels like crack, i gotta get my conscience clear
I gotta live on my own terms, wanna turn back for just one day
Mother fuck it I'm so burned, doesn't matter what we say

(Chorus)
Someone tell where this leads, obvious that nothing is free
No idea what this needs, simple things I just can't see
Beat me down, I will never learn
Truth or lie I can't discern
Take me now or let me burn

Please don't make me wait my turn.

(Verse)
On this road, where the devil will play, Tryin' hard to get through just one day,
Wanna see faith for that one night, Wasn't ready for the sacrifice.
Tryin hard not to pull away, friendship is just a word we say
Runnin down for a soulful drive, Gotta know if it's still alive.

(Chorus)
Someone tell where this leads, obvious that nothing is free
No idea what this needs, simple things I just can't see
Beat me down, I will never learn
Truth or lie I can't discern
Take me now or let me burn

Please don't make me wait my turn.

(Verse)
Someone else is in that place, somehow I feel I lost a race,
Riding high on emo crap, reality I gotta get back,
Found a place that let me live, everything I have to give,
Fuck it now it's not enough, cracking heart that's gotta get tough

(Chorus)
Someone tell where this leads, obvious that nothing is free
No idea what this needs, simple things I just can't see
Beat me down, I will never learn
Truth or lie I can't discern
Take me now or let me burn

Please don't make me wait my turn.

(Out)
Someone tell me what this means, fuckin blind I just can't see
All I know is one heart bleeds, a lot of shit I just can't be
Knock me down and take your turn,
I will just take it that's for sure
Break me now and make me learn.

You know I'll wait here for my turn.

Scream

2008-12-01T09:57:00.001-08:00

Scream to the heavens,
Scream at the Devil,
Scream for more,
Scream to stop,
Scream just to be heard.

Scream when it hurts bad,
Scream at the dark,
Scream at the light,
Scream for a touch,
Scream when eyes are teared.

Scream to get attention,
Scream to hate this,
Scream for a minute,
Scream for a year,
Scream for lives unshared.

Scream it's not fair,
Scream Fuck You,
Scream to hide the pain,
Scream at your soul,
Scream for lives layered.

Scream til you can't,
Scream when you whisper,
Scream in your head,
Scream in your heart,
Scream at the life untailored.

Just Fucking Scream,
Scream for more.

Words of Warning

2008-12-01T09:39:00.000-08:00

This blog and all of it's content comes from a place of pain, joy, anxiety, hopfulness and hopelessness. For any who venture through these writings and take them in, know this I write for me, not you. If something here offends you, makes you feel bad or causes you pain, stop fucking reading it. I have no cause to explain why I write or what these writings mean to anyone but me.

That said, enjoy it for what it is, a bared soul. A soul unafraid, ready to take on the world as a man, as a free soul, re-invigorated by finding a voice. I am sure this is difficult to understand, most people do not find themselves on a level that frees the mind. Though I understand that some of what I write may be disturbing, scary, emotive even hateful, I am not interested in how it makes you, the reader feel, only in how I feel writing and reading.

The cause for this blog? Me. It is in fact all about me and my entertainment. This is my place, where I cam God and control the rise and fall of the sun. This place is my kingdom, a kingdom of random ramblings, shitty poetry and songs and otherwise seemingly mindless babble. I hope that no individual fels responsible or takes credit for my writing here. I hope that noone reads too deep into the words, for I, the King am the only one here who can read them deeply and know the meaning.

If you would like to take these thoughts and draw your own conclusions from them, please do. Do not however, profess what you take from here to be absolute. For you, the reader have not lived this, you have not been to these places with me, you have not explored, questioned, cried and hated to get here. You did not love, laugh or hold me through this journey, I did.

I encourage anyone who may read these words to find their own Disney. As Disney is quickly becoming an idea, something intangible, possibly even unattainable, I do not believe my journey has been able to open Disney for business. It will be different for each of us, and you cannot have mine, for it is for me alone, it is my place, my haven, my solace.

If you have come here in hopes that I might provide some affirmation, some sense of you being, you my friend have made a serious miscalculation. I am not responsible for anyone's life, love, happiness or discontent. If by chance, you came here trying to figure out where my head is at, good fucking luck. It has taken me a good long time to have some idea of just that, unless I pointedly tell you, you are shit out of luck.

Happy reading.

Pull Away

2008-12-01T00:30:00.000-08:00

Tonight my heart stopped beating,
Fearful for the result,
I can't help the feeling,
She'll pull away.

So close to my Disney,
Farther than I want to believe,
I wonder how she sees me,
She'll pull away.

Tonight my heart played a new song,
Delighted, for the first time,
Afraid, something went wrong,
She'll pull away.

Sweet moments I was content,
Almost let slip,
was it the end on that cold cement?
She'll pull away.

Finding The Missing Piece

2008-11-30T17:35:00.000-08:00

I have written so much in the last days I feel compelled to write once more, about writing. I have come to realize that writing, though on this blog space has been a pillar of strength for me, empowering too. I have no idea who may read these writings and honestly am not concerned whether anyone ever does. The fact that they are out there for anyone who cares to read, relieves much of the angst, hate and fear from my life. I am sure it is clear from what has transpired on this page, that I need to relieve such things.

Writing from an emotive place has re-invigorated a creativity in my soul that has been lost for some time. Finding my voice is one of the single most inspiring things that has transpired in the last weeks. I am reminded of a familiar phrase, "Never know what you got til it's gone.", truer words have never been uttered in my humble, disturbed opinion. Regaining this voice has liberated my soul, released some demons and renewed my faith in people, love and life.

For any of you who have ever let a part of you fade, disappear or get destroyed, please find that which has gone missing. Put the pieces back together and learn who you are when the pieces are all present.

Longing, Aching, Crying, Screaming

2008-11-30T16:56:00.000-08:00

My heart longs for a touch,
Sweet and soft, electric,
Sweet nothings, kisses and such,
No need for the eccentric.

My soul aches for it's kindred,
Connection of the cosmic,
Melt into one being splendid,
Something far from plastic.

Feeling so real, intense,
Falling in with controlled abandon,
Open minds, no pretense,
Her voice, my soul's bourbon.

My body cries for the sweet embrace,
A moment so peaceful,
Erase tension from this place,
Sticking with an emotional needle.

My mind screams for inspiring bantor,
Quick wit and caring counsel,
Worried moments of total candor,
Tense moments nearly sexual.

Lost in quiet contemplation,
Words ring loud,
Without her, this seems like fiction,
To be seen with her, proud.

See (Draft)

2008-11-30T13:28:00.000-08:00

Don't you see the past cuts deep,
Spirit dies, it drowns your voice
Soul covered under blackened sheet,
This slow death is your own choice.

(Chorus):
I see,
Just who you are underneath,
Behind the veils and mystique,

I see,
The dark color of your speech,
Painting the pain from where peek.

You know I see how fragile you are,
You're wound so damn tight,
This giant house of cards,
Crumbled now in your soulless fight.

(Chorus):
I see,
Just who you are underneath,
Behind the veils and mystique,

I see,
The dark color of your speech,
Painting the pain from where peek.

Reach through bars of your mental prison,
Grasping for your lost emotion,
Alone and cold is the world you live in,
Hateful rants without discretion.

(Chorus):
I see,
Just who you are underneath,
Behind the veils and mystique,

I see,
The dark color of your speech,
Painting the pain from where peek.

I see,
You'll be cold forever,
You refuse your own confession.

I see,
Malice is your one endeavor,
I am your lost possession.

Locked Away

2008-11-30T08:39:00.000-08:00

Too late, too bad, too much,
Freedom lost, a bad touch,
Want me back, try again,
I hate this shit, want it to end.

Care for me, lesson taught,
I want a lover, not a robot,
Dispute solved, fight no more,
Moving on, through this open door.

Lost my faith and lost my pride,
Knowing you were never satisfied,
Not good enough, you made that clear,
Soul's been crying, get out of here.

Not all bad, you're not for me,
Time to change, a new reality,
I know this, I can't stay,
Temper, temper, temper lock me away.

Too late, too much, I now have cried,
Released the hell, locked inside,
Coversation, simplicity,
Both of these, are what saved me.

Please just go, let me be,
You only loved me, conveniently,
The time has come, say goodbye,
Now I will, be satisfied.

From Hurt to Angry, Angry to Content

2008-11-30T06:42:00.000-08:00

So I have recently discovered that relationships are weird. Wierd because they make no fucking sense sometimes. I have this "debatable situation", albeit not debatable in my eyes, clearly other folks believe it is. I did what so many people before me have done, stayed too long and tried to hard for something that was done and lost long ago. Were there good times? Absolutely. That really is irrelevant though. What is relevant is where the feelings come from, the why it's done and lost.

For some time I felt I was not good enough, even just a convenience. Countless intimate advances crushed to a " My head hurts, my tummy hurts, I'm tired or Not tonight." Aren't two people who are sharing a life together supposed to want each other? Evidently, that is just too much to ask. That sounds trite, but consider this: A man, or any person for that matter, is affected greatly by loss of confidence. Rejection on a consistent basis destroys even the most supremely confident individuals, eventually it even becomes the norm. How sad is it to just expect rejection? To have this feeling that somehow that rejection, symbolizes love? Are you fucking kidding me?!?!

I am angry, not with this person but with me. Angry that I allowed myself to lose the strong sense of self that carried me through so many years and so many trials. Angry that I was too weak to walk when the signs were on the wall. I am angry that I allowed my self worth to be defined at the whim of someone else. I am angry for being fucking angry!

I have since found my center, that strong confident part of me that has shaped who I am for so long. I say, welcome back old friend! It feels so good to have the missing pieces back in place. For the first time in a very long time I am thinking in lucid, unclouded terms about what makes ME happy. I have been fortunate over these last days that an objective voice came to me. A saving objectivity that allowed for me to think in not new, but different terms. A voice so clear and so pure of heart, it almost makes me cry. I am grateful for the friendship, care and understanding of my voice. My fairy-god-voice. When I was crushed, confused and fearful a supportive phrase, followed by a joke brought me to a new place. When all I needed was to not talk about this shit, we talked of nothing in particular.

As I wrap up this rambling moment, I feel content. I feel lucky. Most of all I feel alive! To my voice of clarity, trust, understanding and caring: Disney is the greatest place on earth.

Disney

2008-11-29T15:43:00.000-08:00

Crazy Time, Crazy Fate,
Unexpected events have taken shape,
A lost friend, found again,
A once loved at an end.

Trust the heart, Trust the soul,
In time, both will be whole,
Conversations and souls connect,
Such that two hearts gain respect.

Given time and patience too,
Understanding will see it through,
Hold the words dear, you will see,
In the end you'll be my Disney.

Universal Theatre

2008-11-29T05:56:00.000-08:00

The Universe knows nothing of timing,
Right or Wrong, opportune or not.
The Universe cares not for your fears,
Only for your asking.

The Universe plays your role,
Speaking the dialogue you write.
The Universe sees you absolute,
It has no secret decoder ring.

The Universe presents your awards.
For you and for all to see.
The Universe acts on impulse,
but has no desire it's own.

The Universe is all and none,
The paradigm of unconscious thought.
The Universe is a rub and three wishes,
Only when it's in your script.

Hangin’ By A Thread

2008-11-28T19:16:00.000-08:00

Living in a hell of my own creation,
Familiar faces
Can’t stand the pain of the separation
Love
Lies! Why am I here
Freedom is fleeting
Try to look through tears

Wishin’ I were dead,
Livin’ instead,
Hangin’
By a Thread.

My soul is food for her desecration,
Hateful eyes
Want to die to save her perfect nation
Hate
Truth! It’s so unclear
My heart’s still beating
Want to run in fear

Wishin’ I were dead
Waiting instead,
Hangin’
By a thread

(spoken)
Tortured soul that has no voice
Ask the other to make the choice
It all stops when you get dead
Here you sit hangin’
By a Thread.

Waiting for the day
To ease the pain away
Layin’ in a bed
Hangin’
By a Thread.

Life, Love and What The Hell

2008-11-28T18:40:00.000-08:00

Such is life that you fall in love, lose love, become damaged and jaded. Everyone has been here, unless of course you live in fairy tale land with Prince Charming and a Fairy Godmother; which I can assure you, you do not. People are inherently obsessed with finding and holding on to love, I am no different in this sense. What I wonder is, does it ever happen? So far, I have no such sucess story. It has to say something about life as you live it, when what you find in love is damaging, confidence shattering, go-fuck-yourself insanity. I don't believe I have ever asked the universe for screwed up, insane, Magnum P.I., un-trusting, nuerotic psychopaths to fall in "love" with me. Yet, I have a stable of just such exes.

I find it disconcerting that this is the story of my life. If you had asked me at 16 where I would be when I hit the big 30, I can assure you my answer was not, damaged, broken and worn out. As it stands however and as Murphy's Law would have it, here I sit. In front of a wide-screen monitor typing with only four fingers, this loser blog about how painful and crappy my love life has been. As if it makes any difference in the price of tea in China.

Just once, it would be so nice to find an intellect, sense of humor, comfort and love that really wanted me for me and not my paycheck. Just once, the opportunity to be Prince Charming for a girl that really wants it would mean so much. A time to share thoughts, moments free of pressure, of pretense, just once.

What the hell, here's hoping for a Disney movie to find me.

You Said, You Lied

2008-11-28T16:16:00.000-08:00

I love you, you said.
I miss you, you said.
Forever and always,
With all that I am, you said.

I'll kiss you, you said.
I'll hold you, you said.
Together forever,
Through thick and through thin, you said.

Love, Lies there is no difference.
You adore and you despise,
Your disease, this pestilence,
Only now I realize...

I hate you, You lied!
You're leaving, you lied!
Pushed all the buttons,
And I lost my mind, you lied!